Season Two Episode Seven

Captain's Log, date 31/03/09.

I came into an unusual situation today. I made plans to go out today, to check out an opportunity but first, breakfast. When I called for my butler, however, there was no answer. I called for the maid and again, no answer. I don't know what happened to either of them, but if I find out they've stolen away to some romantic get-away, they'll come home only to discover they've had a decrease in pay, and no cupcakes either.

Fear not, Captain's Log, for I do command knowledge of how to make breakfast. I couldn't remember where the bowls were, so I ate my cereal out of the box, by pouring in the milk... which turned out to be a little more messy than anticipated, but I made through it fine enough. I wasn't sure how long to microwave the bread for, but I thought 3 minutes was enough. It wasn't quite the same as what I'm used to, but such is the life one has to tolerate when one is "roughing it".

It turned out the the unknown where-abouts of my maid and butler was not the only surprise for the day. My driver was also gone, and my limo was no-where to be found. I had to resort to taking the bus. This proved rather difficult, as I did not know how to telephone the bus over to my house. I thought, it is a nice day so far, perhaps I'll take a bit of a stroll, and so I set off. Eventually I made it to a "bus stop", but the bus was no-where to be found. Luckily, there did happen to be a civilian standing at the "bus stop" and after a bit of prodding, finally gave me the time for which the next bus would arrive. Unfortunately I had to wait a few minutes and there was no suitable seating area. I mentioned this to the civilian, but she did not seem as upset about it as I was. I made a note of it and thought to bring it up at the next board meeting.

Finally the bus did arrive and I got on. The bus driver had the nerve to tell me that I must pay a fee, as if he didn't know who I was! I told him I had no coins on my person, that I was not some poor old woman with a change purse full of coins and buttons! He told me that I had to pay the 2 dollars or get off, so I got off, feeling quite out-raged and embarrassed, that I promptly stormed off in what I could only assume was the proper direction. I soon realised I was on my way back home, so home I went and decided I would telephone my secretary and have her pick me up instead.

I called for my butler to bring me the telephone, and remembered that he and the maid had gone missing, most likely on romantic get-away. I was not sure where the butler kept the telephone, but it proved not to be hard to find. I rang up the operator and told her to call the office for me. Apparently she was new to the job, for she did not know my office number, let alone its name and had to ask it of me. I forgave her this slight, as she was obviously new, and told her the name of my office. She dialed the number and put me through.

There was trouble completing the telephone call, and that was exactly what I was told by a prerecorded message. I hung up, called the operator again, and told her she had given me the wrong number. She read back the information she had found before, and I told her she was correct and perhaps we should try our luck again. She dialed the number again and put me through a second time. Again the prerecorded message played and again I phoned the operator. She said that the company must have changed the number or- That was when I recalled that James, the vice president, had mentioned something about making a few changes to the security. Yes, that must have been the problem! And so I waited for them to give me a ring or send over a driver. Yes, soon enough they would realise the error, that I had not received the memo, and all would be set aright.

That brings me to where we are now, dear Captain's Log. It has been nearly 10 minutes and there has not been a telephone call, nor has a driver been sent. There had been a while where I sat ready by the door, and then by the phone, but now I write to you, Captain's Log, whilst I wait. I really must end this for surely they'll try to telephone or the driver will arrive. Tah-tah!

Season Two Episode Six

A Long Walk Spoiled

Always trying to reach his goal,

To get that ball into the hole.

Swinging with that wooden club,

Hoping to miss those infernal shrubs.

In the water, all is lost;

Just don't give that iron a toss.

E-Mail To A Friend

If there ever was a day to travel, this would be it. I'm tellin' ya, get down to some island and relax for two months. By the time you get back, this'll have blown over and you can get your life back in order. Mikey and I will clean things up, Susanne will take care of the paper work, and I'll have Eddie patch it all together like only he can. Trust me, it'll all work out in the end. Just because Alex was a turn-coat, doesn't mean you have to pay for it in the long run. Oh, I know I don't have to say it, but it won't hurt to say it anyway. Stay away from the tables. This is a one time thing because you're a friend. Tell you what, I'll pick you up tomorrow, take you to the airport, and I won't even know which gate you take off from. Then I'll go get Mikey and straighten this whole thing out. Later.

Haiku:

Piecing together

All the clues I can manage

Find clear perspective.

Season Two Episode Five

"You sold me out! You sold me out! I thought we were friends but then you stab me in the back and sell me to The Man!" It sounded cliche, but it was true. My best friend and I were in cahoots, running a big scam. It was no ordinary scam, it was the kind of scam that would make anyone big and famous. As long as you didn't mind bending a law here, a rule there. But it wasn't breaking the law, it was bending the law, and we all know those are completely different things... until you get caught. And who would have thought that selling your former best friend out would have a bigger pay off than the act he was in the middle of committing?

Want to know how this all started? Well so do I. See, to me it started when I was 7. I was listening to what my grade 1 teacher was saying about math... or at least it had to do with numbers, when this kid next to me tapped me on the shoulder to show me this picture he drew. Or at least that's what I believed until now! I realise now that it was all a sham! He wasn't trying to win my friendship, he was trying to bring me down right from the start! And all this time I thought I was helping him out. I thought I was helping by being his friend, helping by listening to his ideas, helping boost his self-esteem and confidence. But that's just what he wanted me to think, when all along he was just reeling me in so that there'd be someone else to take the fall instead of him.

As I sit here, contemplating what could have been, I'm reminded of an old saying my grandmother would often quote: "If you don't eat your vegetables, your best friend will betray you!" I see now how right she was. Now it seems that all the vegetables in the world won't be enough to save me. Sigh.

Season Two Episode Four

Coupons.

They are the driving force for seniors, mothers, and those guys who keep track of their favorite whatever. They were created to draw people into stores who felt they could do better in sales, but weren't. Although, now that I think about it they were probably created to allow the customer a free sample of a new product, which is also trying to boost sales for the previous reason. I'ma look it up.

Okay so it was first designed for people to drink Coca-Cola. Huh. Before, Coke was just some kind of tonic and then this guy was all like "we need to make this drink bigger and widespread". So then, why do I bring up coupons? It all started back when I was riding the bus, last week. Back then, things were different. Now it's all "gimme candy", now it's all "candy's lame".

There I was, riding the bus, minding my own business, when suddenly some university students get on the bus! A little while later, this old lady gets on the bus, as if from no where! Well actually if an elderly person was able to do anything as if from no where, that'd be a miracle. So here I was, looking out the window, and there was that old lady talking to the bus driver about some of the dumbest things I've over-heard. Somehow she runs out of such things to say and turns to one of the girls who got on at the university, who was reading the university newspaper, and asks if the paper has any coupons the students can use. As if coupons were the only things that mattered in a newspaper.

The girl politely said no and smiled and I politely gave the old lady a roll of my eyes (which went unnoticed, hence it being polite). I don't know what it is about coupons, but I generally don't get around to using them. I really only use them for the grocery store, and pizza, and only because pizza is over-priced and groceries... well groceries are essential and if I can get them for cheaper, then why not? But I don't think that I envision myself as an old man sitting by the door in my rocker waiting for the fliers to come so I can save on socks at Walmart. Ha ha! It's a pretty funny image though, so maybe I'll do that when we're expecting company, just to throw them off a bit. Mutter something about coupons every now and then whilst rocking in my chair, facing the door. And like, five feet from the door. Oh the dinner parties we'll have.

WOTD:

Riparian - (adj) of or relating to the bank of a stream, river, or lake

Haiku:

Head feeling dizzy

Spun like a record, baby

Sit down for a spell.

Season Two Episode Three

There it was, laying just before me, telling me to take it to a safe place and that only I could take care of an object of beauty so great as itself. I told myself it wouldn't be right, to take something so great, keeping it for my own. Such a thing should be shared with the world and held on display. But who else could appreciate such a thing? Who else could fully comprehend what an object of such beauty was meant for?

Tourists would come and take pictures, but this was an act they performed for almost anything! People took pictures of anything the eye could see, every day objects. Maybe a few news crews would come by... the reporter might do research, but proper research? And how good would their cameraman be? Would the story even last five minutes? There wouldn't be any celebrities beside it, talk show hosts probably wouldn't even mention it, or at least not the important ones anyway. ...Was there such a thing?

It didn't matter, nobody else would care, nobody but me. But nobody has had a chance to see it yet, how can you say such a thing when no one has even had a chance? We all deserve chances right? The world should be given the chance to take in its beauty, to give it value and worth.

This was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and who was I to deny the world of such an opportunity? Besides, who was to say that I was the only one who would fully behold and fully enjoy the Holy Grail of the 21st century? There could be many such as myself, dreaming of something, when compared to the real thing, even half as glorious? Yes, I would fight my inner demons, deny my selfish want, and I would present the Golden Slurpee Cup to the world, so that all may revel in its wonders! I would be the famous founder of a new way of slurpee goodness, and unless 7-Eleven had a museum somewhere, the Golden Slurpee Cup would belong to me! Ah haha ha ha haaaa!

Haiku:

Golden Slurpee Cup

Shining in the bright sunlight

Wonderous to all.

Season Two Episode Two

It's St. Patrick's Day and you know what that means!

Hilarity ensues when Dave and Rob embark on a mission to make this St. Patrick's Day, the best one yet! Will they set the records? Will they make it out alive? Stay tuned next week for many exciting conclusions! The day started out with a bowl of Lucky Charms.

At Saint Patrick's Purgatory

Donnchadh Mor O'Dala

(Attributed. 13th century)

Pity me on my pilgrimage to Loch Derg!

O King of the churches and the bells-

bewailing your sores and your wounds,

but not a tear can I squeeze from my eyes!

Not moisten an eye

after so much sin!

Pity me, O King! What shall I do

with a heart that seeks only its own ease?

Without sorrow or softening in my heart,

bewailing my faults without repenting them!

Patrick the high priest never thought

that he would reach God in this way.

O lone son of Calpurn- since I name him-

O Virgin Mary, how sad is my lot!-

he was never seen as long as he was in this life

without the track of tears from his eyes.

In a narrow, hard, stone-wall cell

I lie after all my sinful pride-

O woe, why cannot I weep a tear!-

and I buried alive in the grave.

On the day of doom we shall weep heavily,

both clergy and laity;

the tear that is not dropped in time,

none heeds in the world beyond.

I shall have you go naked, go unfed,

body of mine, father of sin,

for if you are turned Hellwards

little shall I reck your agony tonight.

O only begotten Son by whom all men were made,

who shunned not the death by three wounds,

pity me on my pilgrimage to Loch Derg

and I with a heart not softer than a stone!

Translated by Sean O'Faolain

Haiku:

Dressed in green or blue

Thinking of all things Irish

Hard day tomorrow.

Season Two Episode One

Last time on Multipurpose Exposition:

"If only there was some way we could reprogram the system! Then it'd be chocolate strawberry milkshakes for everyone!" Exclaimed Sara.

And now prepare to be stunned as the exciting events unfold this season, starting now!

"I know," said Gary "I'll just rewrite the initiation sequence so that instead of soy skim milk supplement, it'll give us chocolate strawberry milkshakes!"

"I hope you're right Gary," Sara said, nervously looking around. "Because I don't think I could take it anymore. Day after day we're served soy skim milk supplement with our daily ration of bran muffins, and well... ever since I found out I'm human and not a ...whatever poor creature that puts up with soy supplements and bran muffins... well I just don't think I could put up with it all for one more day!"

"Okay Sara, here goes nothing!" As Gary entered the code or whatever, Sara couldn't help but look towards the door to see if Lunch Lady Luann caught wise of their plan. Any minute she could burst through the door and then all would be lost! Just then a hand came from behind her to rest on her shoulder! She grabbed the hand and with the force of a thousand rhinos and the fancy moves she learned in Thai Chi Class, she flipped whoever was behind her over her left shoulder and onto the floor! BAM! "Dave?"

"Dave?"

"Dave?!"

"Dave! Wake up man, you just fell asleep in gym class and Coach is mad! I think he's gone to get the old broken tether ball to whip you with, you better run!"
"Sir, yes sir!" And with that, I was off like a flash. Man, those days were filled with nothing but hilarity. And wouldn't you know it, Coach didn't fail me after all. Turned out he'd been making out with Mrs. Flarison in the janitor's closet. And that's how I almost failed gym class.

Twohundred

All the pictures of crows that I looked at, didn't quite match what I saw the other day. I even looked at ravens, just in case I was wrong about it being a crow. I asked my friend Jillian, a bird fanatic, if she had ever heard a crow make a different call or sing a different song than was normal.

I describe the subtle differences in the crow's features, to Jillian. It had brown tipped wings, a small stripe of red around its neck, and there was something about its eyes but I couldn't quite place it, just that they didn't seem right somehow. It was like the crow could see into me, read my thoughts or see my dreams.

When I described to Jillian the sounds the crow made, she said it sounded more like what a Rifleman might call, or a Fullvetta, neither bird being indigenous to North America. She said that the only thing that it could be, that related to how a crow could look but not how a crow sounded, would be the Black-lored Babbler, but that they were native to Africa. I suggested that maybe someone had brought it over to Canada, but Jillian didn't think customs would allow that.

We puzzled over it some more and finally Jillian came to the conclusion that she would just have to see it for herself. She also didn't think that the Babbler ever had a stripe of red around its neck, to the best of her knowledge. So we headed off to the park on the way to Sal's Milk Shop, where I had last seen this mysterious bird.

Of course, when we got there the bird was nowhere to be seen. I tried listening for it, but to no avail. Just when I bring in my bird expert, there's no bird to examine. Jillian said that we should walk around and see if we could find it and after an hour of searching, we still hadn't come across it. Jillian said if I happened upon it again I should call her, and she'd try to make it out this way when she could. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Haiku:

Never forgotten
Always in my memories
Keeping my thoughts warm.

Onehundred Ninetynine

I was on my way down to Sal's Milk Shop the other day, when I came across a peculiar sight. Or maybe it was more in the way it sounded. Can something look different if it doesn't sound like it should? I remember one day when I was a kid, they tried playing a different song for the ice cream truck. No kids came out because they didn't recognize the song. It wasn't until some kids who were playing ball hockey saw that it was an ice cream truck and were shouting about it until everyone else clued in as to what the music was for.

This was the same idea, only... birds don't usually make sounds other than their regular songs and chirps, unless perhaps they're old and losing their voice, but this was not the case, as far as I could tell. This was a crow with another song entirely. I didn't recognize what bird this song might belong to, if somehow the crow was imitating another bird, which was a trick I didn't think crows could pull. I might have come to the conclusion that this particular crow had been raised by another family, but since when did birds take after young that was not their own? It was not something I was aware of, but I wasn't going to let that lack of knowledge allow me to dismiss the possibility.

I wanted to get closer to the crow to get a better look, but I didn't want to frighten it. Slowly I placed my right foot a few inches in front of me. When the bird didn't move, I allowed the rest of my body to catch up. This also did not frighten the bird. As I watched it, I started to notice some subtle differences between it and how I know crows to look. Maybe I hadn't really bothered to look at a crow this close before, or maybe my memory is a bit off, but there was something about it's plumage that didn't quite fit.

I wish I had brought my camera with me, but who brings a camera with them to get milk? I'll have to get a book on birds and see what I can find.

Onehundred Ninetyeight

Defeat.

It comes to us at one point or another, in one form or another, and even the size can vary. It is said that defeat is only how one handles it. This is true. When handled correctly, one will find admirers and friends who are there to help out. Also when defeat is handled correctly, one is able to improve where they had previously failed, finding hope instead of despair.

The old adage "Try, try again" comes to mind. One might have to try from scratch, depending on how poorly they were defeated, but at least those first few steps will come a little easier, and perhaps with improvement some of those steps could become stronger foundations. The stronger one becomes, the harder one will stride for success.

Victory can only come through what one has learned from previous failures. Defeat does come at a cost and sometimes that cost is too great for one to try and carry on. Sometimes one can find a way around the cost, but even that is found only after the defeat of many, and with help. All this has been taught to me through the playing of video games. And cannot this lesson be applied to much of life? Indeed it can. Now here's another quarter, beat the next level.

Onehundred Ninetyseven

If you knew you were going to live past 100 years, what would you do? Would you do anything differently? Would you try and push how long you could live for? Would you try and live a more noble life, try to achieve more goals?

I think once I hit 90, I'd spend the next 10 years doing whatever it was in my life that I hadn't already accomplished. That being said, without the knowledge of how long I'll live for, am I going to now live like every day is my last? Am I going to make the most of my days? I'd like to think that I will do a better job than I have in the past, but I don't yet know about doing anything too dramatic quite yet. I don't really have big aspirations for my life right now.

I think that after those 10 years and I've hit 100, I'd find some place in the world with a really big library and just read, or if I couldn't read I'd have someone read to me. I assume by then I'd have some kind of assistant, so I'd get them to read to me. Or maybe in the future you'll get to plug into a book, like a 3-D experience and I'd just spend my days jacked into all of my current favorite books, and then whatever other books there may be. My assistant would bring me food and take care of me, but if you could virtually live out a book, I'd be all upon's. Either that or if you could do the same with a movie, that would be sweet. And the same with video games. Man, I hope my ol' ticker will be able to take it... Either that or find a mountain some where, build a cabin, and just live out my days enjoying the scenery. As well as have my assistant bring me a book and once I finish that one, he will already have brought me another, and so on.

WOTD:

Sluice - (n) 1. an artificial passage for water with a gate for controlling the flow; also: the gate so used 2. a channel that carries off surplus water 3. an inclined trough or flume for washing ore or floating logs

Haiku:

Sneaky red panda

Taking food from monkey cage

Looking innocent.